


If It Harms None

by prettybirdy979



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 08:52:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettybirdy979/pseuds/prettybirdy979
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or five people who realised Bones was a badass, and one person who knew all along. </p>
<p>(Alternative title 'Jim is a manchild and always gets Bones into trouble')</p>
            </blockquote>





	If It Harms None

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a quick fic, a minor distraction from the mega fic I'm writing at the moment. Turned into this mini-monster.
> 
> Brief warning for involuntary drug use in the first part.

**Captain Pike**

As soon as the cadet walked into his classroom, Chris knew there was something wrong. Not only because the Academy’s bigwigs in their infinite wisdom had made all instructors sit through a lecture on recognising substance abuse but because he _knew_ this cadet and he was looking completely wrong. John Anderson’s eyes were darting all over the room and his skin was clammy.

Quietly Chris pushed the button on his comm to call for campus security while walking up to Anderson. ‘Cadet? Can I talk to you a sec?’ His voice was polite but low, implying that why he might have made it a request it really wasn’t.

‘Yes...yes sir.’ Anderson followed him out of the room, his classmate’s eyes on him.

They stopped just down the hall, out of sight and hearing of any species in Chris’ class. ‘Cadet. Are you taking anything?’

‘No Sir!’ Anderson said with a snap to attention and a salute.

Chris eyed him. ‘I don’t believe you. Take yourself to Medical and get their confirmation.’

‘Sir, I have class.’

‘That was an order, cadet.’ Chris snapped. Anderson’s eyes widened before he shook his head.

‘I have to go to class. You’ve gotta let me go to class. Sir, I need to go to class.’ It was then the two campus security guards came up behind Anderson.

‘Captain Pike?’ One asked. ‘You called for us?’

Chris nodded. ‘Yes. I need you to escort Cadet Anderson to Medical for a drug test.’ They nodded and each placed a gentle hand on Anderson’s shoulder.

Anderson freaked out. He spun and threw a punch at the man on his left while the man on the right tightened his grip. However in the next second, Anderson had pulled his arm out of that’s man grip and was throwing a punch at him too.

In the end, Chris had to help them restrain Anderson until further security arrived.

********

As soon as his class was over, Chris made his way to Medical to visit Anderson. He wanted answers as to why a cadet who had never acted out before would suddenly turn up to class high.

He found Anderson in a biobed, staring at the roof and unrestrained as a dark haired doctor looked him over. It took a moment but Chris recognised the doctor as Dr McCoy, a man he had personally recruited.

‘Doctor? How is he?’ McCoy looked up, seemingly annoyed to have been disturbed.

‘He’s been better Captain. Some arsehole slipped him a drug.’

Chris’ eyes narrowed. ‘How do you know he was slipped something?’

‘Because I have the toxic report. Man’s on Beletine. It’s an old fashioned drug, created about forty odd years ago. Doesn’t do anything but make the taker completely irrational and talkative.’ And indeed Anderson was muttering under his breath. ‘It was fairly useful for integrations but not much else. Unless your cadet is a complete _idiot_ , there’s no way he took it himself.’ McCoy glared down at the man on the bed.

‘There’ll be a full investigation.’ Chris promised, looking at McCoy, then moving his glance to the man on the bed. ‘We will find those responsible.’

‘You’ll try you mean.’ McCoy said with a sigh and moved to the other side of the room. ‘You can interview your cadet in a few hours. The drug is still in his system, he might be talking but it won’t be of much help.’

Chris nodded and spared the cadet on the bed once last glance. Their eyes locked for a moment, then sometime turned hard in Anderson’s glance. Suddenly he grabbed a hypospray that McCoy had left on the cabinet beside the bed and lunged for Chris.

Startled, Chris took two steps back. Then McCoy was there, coming up behind his patient and dragging him back to his bed, screaming for the nurse the entire time. Carefully, McCoy squeezed the hand with the hypospray until Anderson dropped it then pushed down on his shoulders until he was settled back on the bed, if straining to get up.

‘Get me restraints!’ McCoy growled at the nurse who came into the room. She scrambled to obey while Chris watched the doctor in awe. Soon enough, Anderson was restrained though it seemed the fight was already beginning to leave him.

‘He took three of us to restrain to bring in.’ Chris commented to McCoy mildly.

‘Drug is mostly out of his system now.’ McCoy quickly snapped, but Chris had been dealing with people for years and knew when he was being lied to.

He also knew when to back off. Smiling, he nodded at McCoy and left, making a mental note to review McCoy’s file and add him to the potential candidates for service aboard the Enterprise.

**Jocelyn and Joanna**

‘Daddy!’ The excited five year old in her hands screamed as the familiar brown haired man passed out of the shuttle security. Joanna wiggled so much Jocelyn lost her grip on her daughter who then sprinted at her ex.

‘Daddy!’ She cried as Leonard dropped his bags in time to catch her as she jumped, pulling her into a tight hug. Jocelyn came over at a more calm pace as another man appeared at Leonard’s shoulder.

Jocelyn recognised him. She would loved to have said because she had met him before, when Leonard had introduced his obviously close friend but she knew it was because his face had been all over the holos as the hero who had saved the Earth.

‘Leonard.’ She greeted then nodded at Jim Kirk, her ‘Mr Kirk.’ the only sign she gave that she recognised him.

‘Jim, please.’ He said with an easy smile, Leonard still too wrapped up in hugging Joanna to notice.

‘Jocelyn.’ She said curtly and Leonard finally looked up.

‘One week?’ He asked, his voice both hopeful and terrified.

Jocelyn looked at the delighted face of her daughter. ‘I think we can negotiate more time, if you are free.’

The look on Leonard’s face was painfully hopeful. ‘Of course I’m free.’ He looked down at Joanna. ‘How would you like that baby? Two weeks with me?’

She looked like he had just said it was her birthday every day. ‘Yes please Daddy!’

‘Awesome!’ Jim said, snapping Leonard on the back. ‘I’ll have time to tell you all about your hero Daddy.’

Joanna looked at Jim with wide eyes. ‘Daddy’s a hero?’ She asked as Leonard started to grumble at Jim.

Jim gave her a look of exaggerated surprise. ‘He didn’t tell you? Wow, well. I’ll have to fix that. Bones you should be ashamed of yourself.’

‘Jim-’

‘Bones! Why did you call Daddy that?’ Joanna cut Leonard off.

‘Because. Your Daddy can hit a man so hard his _bones_ rattle.’

‘That’s a lie.’ Leonard snapped. ‘I’m a doctor, I don’t rattle bones.’

Jim raised an eyebrow. ‘And what would Lieutenant Matthew say to that?’

‘I didn’t rattle his bones.’

‘No.’ Jim said cheerily. ‘You broke them.’ For the first time since she had heard Leonard had signed up for Starfleet, Jocelyn took the knowledge that Starfleet was a military organisation and applied it to him.

‘One. You’re never going to let me live that down?’ Leonard’s focus was fully on Jim but Jocelyn saw the wide eyes of their daughter. She was as shocked at this as Jocelyn was.

‘Never. And Joanna, did you know your Daddy is the real hero who saved the Earth?’

‘He is?’

‘Jim-’

Jim cut Leonard off. ‘He is. See, I wasn’t supposed to be on the Enterprise. But your Daddy, your very clever Daddy, he figured out a way to get me aboard. And then, when a guard tried to stop him-’

Joanna bounced in her Dad’s arms. ‘He broke their bones?’

‘Better.’ Jim said over Leonard’s groan. ‘He just walked up to that man and said “I’m taking this man aboard.” and the man was so intimidated by your badass Daddy he just let me on.’

‘Wow.’ Joanna said, looking up at Leonard in awe. Leonard smiled down at her.

‘Jim’s exaggerating darling.’ (‘Am not!’ Jim cried) ‘And if you swear in front of my kid again Jim, I’ll kick your butt.’

Jocelyn hid a smile. Perhaps Leonard hadn’t changed completely.

 

**Spock**

Doctor McCoy was forever complaining about one thing or another, to the point where Spock had often internally questioned the logic of the Captain insisting upon his presence on away missions or the bridge. While he was an exception physician, his skills were barely enough to cancel out the negative effect of his emotional attitudes and subsequent emotional displays nor enough to explain why a man who confessed to an extremely narrow window of skills was serving as such a high ranking officer. In a place he obviously did not wish to be, if Doctor McCoy’s complaints about space where to be believed.

Not to mention his continued attempts to avoid regulation mandated reviews.

‘Damn it Jim, I’m in medical not security. Why the hell do I need to ‘review my situational combat skills’? That’s what security is for!’

The Captain- Jim, rolled his eyes. ‘You can’t predict when you’re going to need combat skills Bones. Just because you’re not planning to fight doesn’t mean you’re not going to have to. Remember Dave’s.’ McCoy rolled his eyes and muttered something about it being the Captain’s fault which the man in question ignored as he continued. ‘You have to prove you’ve still got your skills Bones, just in case.’

‘In case of what? This tin can gets raided by pirates? Only time I’ll need any self defence.’

‘You say that like you’ve not been on five of the last six away missions.’ The Ca-Jim said with a  smirk. ‘And you weren’t on the six because of your injury from the fifth.’

Spock decided that his time would be better spent elsewhere as the Ca-Jim’s and McCoy’s argument began to disintegrate into a loud discussion as to who exactly was to blame for the Doctor’s injury.

Personally, this was one time Spock agreed with McCoy. Best not to volunteer that information.

*********

That discussion was weighing on Spock’s mind as he and the Doctor faced a half dozen angry men on their latest away mission. While Spock was sure that a logical argument could be made for their anger at the Starfleet presence here, their methods to convince Starfleet to retreat from the planet had killed numerous officers and hundreds of those of the factions who welcomed Starfleet.

It was likely they were soon to add two more to that number, if Spock could not manage to protect himself and the Doctor.

‘Jim, we need a beam out. Now.’ McCoy said, his eyes on the two men approaching him. Spock eyed the four coming towards him. They had clearly done their research as to the strength of Vulcans and Humans compared their own.

‘Bo...we...ca...hea-’ Jim’s voice, already fractured and soft, stopped coming through.

McCoy grimaced. ‘Spock, I sure as hell hope you’ve got a plan.’

‘As I believe the Captain would word it- ‘Stay Alive’.’ And then there was no time to talk as the men attacked.

Spock was stronger than them, and far better trained but he was outnumbered. Thus he quickly planned as logical a battle plan as he could, to take out as many of his attackers as possible as fast as possible. He performed a successful nerve pinch on the first man, and punched the second man in the solar plexus. Spock felt a smidgen of satisfaction when he collapsed to the ground, heaving.

The other two men had stayed back, watching their fellows fall. Now a third man lunged at Spock and he dodged, tripping the man up as he went past. He recovered quickly, managing not to fall all the way down and turned back to face Spock. But Spock was ready for him with a similar punch to the one that had felled the second man and this man too fell, gasping for air.

He turned to the fourth man, to find McCoy was already there. His two men were both on the ground where he had been standing and Spock could observe no signs of consciousness from them. He stood back, ready to assist McCoy if needed but preferring to take the moment to observe him fight.

McCoy did not disappoint. He delivered three hard punches, each to critical spots and with a practiced leg sweep had the man on the ground.

‘Impressive.’ Spock said as McCoy stood back.

‘Yeah, well. I’m a doctor. I might not like fighting but I’ve a fairly good idea of where to hit.’ McCoy looked up and suddenly smirked. ‘And I’m Jim Kirk’s friend. You don’t survive long as his friend if you can’t handle yourself in a bar fight.’

‘I can imagine.’

McCoy rolled his eyes as he hit at his communicated, as if to make it work. ‘You’ll get your chance. Jim’s just not had the chance to drag you to a bar.’ He walked away, still hitting the device but also waving it around as if it would improve the signal.

Spock felt warm at the Doctor’s insulation he was Jim’s friend as he followed McCoy.

**Chekov**

Pavel took a deep breath as he gently piloted the shuttle out of the Enterprise’s back hanger. He counted to ten, waiting for the agreed upon distraction Hi-Sulu, Sulu on duty, was to give when his shuttle took off from the front hanger. Then Pavel left the safety of the Enterprise and raced towards the moon where his fellow crewmates were being held- one of which was his captain.

It was then Pavel realised his passenger, the ever grumpy doctor McCoy, was far too silent. He hadn’t had much to do with the man due to a lack of injuries but the doctor’s lack of regard for silence was legendary. As was his snark.

‘Doctor?’ He asked, quickly sparing a glance over his shoulder to look at the man.   McCoy was gripping tightly onto the arms of his chair, barely glancing at the controls he was supposed to be monitoring.

‘Yeah, kid?’ He said through gritted teeth.

‘Are you...well?’ Pavel wasn’t sure if he was overstepping his boundaries here but the doctor did not look like he was anywhere near well.

McCoy took a deep breath. ‘I’m fine. Just, need a minute.’ Slowly he released his grip and inched his head down so he was looking at his screen. He took another deep breath.

‘Yes sir.’ Pavel looked away.

McCoy sighed. ‘Don’t sir me kid. I’m a doctor and it makes me feel old.’ There was a long pause, then he spoke again. ‘I don’t do well with shuttles. Never have.’

Pavel was shocked at the admission. ‘I thought there were programs…?’

‘Yeah. Starfleet wouldn’t let anyone keep any fear that they could treat. Used to be I couldn’t even set foot in a big ship let alone one this tiny. It’s nothing, I’m fine.’ McCoy took another breath. ‘Ten minutes to the moon.’

‘Aye.’ Pavel said and he let the matter drop. But he couldn’t stop himself being impressed. He knew that the doctor had had his choice of positions, they all had after the disaster that was the Enterprise’s first mission. To willinging chose to serve in something that once, and by the look of the doctor sometimes still, terrified you well…

Pavel thought it might fit under the label of ‘badass’.

 

**Sulu**

Hikaru Sulu kept quiet as the doctor swore up a storm behind him, pacing from one side of their cage to the other. He tried not to listen as he ran through plans to escape and find the captain but he couldn’t help but hear that most of the insults were directed at the missing man and not their situation.

Okay, that one was cursing the captain for getting them into this situation. Creatively too. Hikaru nearly raised an eyebrow at McCoy’s words.

Then Hikaru heard footsteps coming down the hall.

‘Doctor, be quiet.’ He whispered and to his surprise, McCoy’s mouth snapped shut. He dropped down next to where Hikaru was crouching.

‘How many?’

‘Two probably. They don’t think much of our fighting skills.’

McCoy huffed. ‘Hard to have much fighting skills when you’re drugged out of your skull.’ He ran his eyes over their cell. ‘Nothing much we could use as a weapon.’ Hikaru barely bothered to nod, he had seen that straight away.

‘Stay back.’ He said briefly to the doctor and wasn’t surprised when the man just raised an eyebrow. ‘Doctor, I know what to do. Trust me.’

McCoy looked at him for a long moment, then moved back to the middle of the cell. Exactly in the line of sight of any guards opening the door. Hikaru did smile at this and moved to the side, hiding in the shadow of the door.

The guards opened the door and walked right in. Shaking his head at their foolishness, Hikaru jumped the one at the back and forced him to the ground. Stunned the man didn’t manage to react as Hikaru disarmed him, then hit him over the head with his own gun. Hikaru rose to his feet and looked up, expecting to see the other guard.

Instead he saw McCoy examining the gun of the second guard while standing over his unconscious body. ‘Projectile weapon. Of course this backwoods place has projectile weapons.’ He said, disgust all over his features. McCoy looked up and met the Hikaru’s stunned eyes. ‘I don’t know why you’re shocked I can fight. I’m Jim Kirk’s best friend. The man can’t go ten minutes without getting us all into trouble, I’ve had a buttload of practice.’

‘Buttload?’

McCoy rolled his eyes. ‘Jim rubs off on you.’

Hikaru smirked. ‘Can you shoot that?’

McCoy fell into a practiced stance. ‘Yup. My grand-daddy had these. Made damned sure his grandson could handle one because ‘those phasers aren’t going to do shit against a r _eal_ enemy’.’

‘Well then.’ Hikaru said. ‘Let’s go find the captain.’

‘After you.’ McCoy signalled. As he went, Hikaru wondered what other talents the bad assed doctor was hiding.

 

**And one who knew all along**

‘Booooones.’

Bones rolled over, intent on ignoring the manchild that was his captain. Why had he thought giving that man permission to access his quarters at all times was a good idea?

‘Boones. I know you’re awaaaake. I’m bored.’

‘Go ‘way Jim.’ Bones growled as Jim collapsed on his bed beside him. ‘Not in the mood for your shit today.’

Jim sat up and took Bones’ blankets with him. Growling, Bones followed them into a sitting position. ‘You’re grumpy today.’ Jim commented as Bones tried to fish for his blankets.

‘Long night kid.’ Bones finally managed to grab the edge of his blankets but Jim had a tight hold on them and wasn’t letting go. Aware of the childishness of his next actions but too tired to care, Bones tugged. Jim tugged back. Bones tugged again and prepared for the tug-of-war.

‘No one is in sick bay?’ Jim sounded concerned and slightly angry, which was justified if Bones had failed to report what he had just made sound like a serious injury to his captain.

‘No, just a bunch of idiots tripping over things all night.’

‘Ah ha.’ Jim said. ‘This wouldn’t have anything to do with the party that did not happen in the rec room last night.’

Bones rolled his eyes. ‘Nothing at all about the party that you did not help plan and supply while carefully making sure no record of said party existed in order to avoid having to shut it down as per Starfleet regulations.’

‘Exactly Bones. Keep up.’ Rolling his eyes, Bones pulled his blankets tight then released it as Jim pulled. Jim flailed as the sudden lack of force caused him to fall backwards, off Bones’ bed head first onto the floor. ‘Ow, Bones!’

Bones just laughed. ‘Serves you right kid.’ He got up and stretched, giving up on the idea of sleep with a Jim this determined around. ‘I spent most of last night patching up talkative drunks because of you. You’re not getting off lightly.’

‘Talkative? Awesome! Any good gossip?’ Jim climbed back onto the bed and laid down on his stomach, chin in hands and legs swinging up and down like some damned teenager waiting on the latest gossip from their friend.

‘None for you brat.’ Bones tried three times to get coffee from the replicator, before realising he was pressing the wrong buttons. With a groan, he pressed the right ones and got a coffee.

‘But Bones-’

With a glare, Bones turned around. ‘Half the drunks were too drunk to make any sort of sense; talking about unicorns and rainbow fairies.’

‘Fantasy themed party. The punch was rainbow coloured and there was a unicorn cake.’ Jim said apologetically. ‘I have some cake, if you want it?’

‘Later kid.’ Bones glared to convey that the cake had better not be a lie. Jim’s raised eyebrow neatly confirmed the cake was real while expressing disbelief that Bones would think he would lie about cake. Bones continued to glare, conveying every instance the cake had been a lie.

‘And the other half?’

‘Huh? Oh. There must have been some kind of fast metabolising drug in that party Jim. They kept calling me ‘Mr Badass’ and asking if I was going to kick their asses too.’ Bones rolled his eyes at the sheer stupidity of that idea.

Jim laughed. ‘Bones, that’s got nothing to do with any drugs. You’ve got a reputation.’

‘I know.’ Bones said with a frown. ‘I’m the grumpy, mean doctor.’

‘Well, yeah. But a new one. You’re the _badass_ grumpy mean doctor, who can happily take on any man and beat his ass.’

‘ _Badass_? Me?’ Bones’ jaw had dropped but he couldn’t make himself pick it up.

‘Yeah you. The man terrified of disease and space, who became a doctor on a ‘glorified tin can’ on a deep space mission.’ Jim slowly stood and walked towards Bones, grabbing his arm gently. ‘The man who hates to fight but learnt how to do it anyway because his best friend kept getting his ass kicked in bar fights.’

‘That was mandatory.’

‘Not the amount you learnt, Bones.’ Jim smiled gently. ‘What about the man who saved the planet because he couldn’t leave a friend behind. Or doctor, who does no harm except when there’s no other option and still always finds a way to never take a life.’

Bones looked down. Jim put a hand under his chin and raised his head to met Jim’s eyes. ‘You’re a badass Bones.’ He said. ‘Accept it.’

With a sniff, Bones tore his chin out of Jim’s hand. ‘I do my job kid.’ He said as he moved towards his bathroom. ‘Can’t call me a badass for that.’

Jim laughed. ‘Fine. I’ll hold a poll.’

‘What? No! Come here you brat!’ Laughing Jim darted out of Bones’ quarters and Bones barely paused to throw on a uniform shirt before chasing after him, screaming at him to come back.

Some crew members looked up as the pair passed, but it was too common a sight to merit a comment.  


End file.
